I'll admit there were times when my children were young that I wished I could take my hubby away to a week of solitude, but as circumstances were, we had no one to help us out, so the first major trip we took alone was to celebrate our 30th anniversary.
Don't feel too sorry for us. We thoroughly enjoyed every family trip we took with our children. For years, it was to Ocean City, Maryland. My brother and his wife own a beautiful townhome right on the bay. The kids had their own room, and we had ours. There was plenty of space for all of us to have solitude if we wanted it. That week was sacred to us.
We had a routine. We'd arrive and purchase a week's worth of breakfast and lunch food, and we ate out every night to the usual haunts: JR's, Phillips, Alaska Stand (before they went out of business), and Dumser's every night for ice cream as well as dinner once or twice). During the day, we'd pack the car and go to the ocean side, usually on 87th street by the Antigua, and enjoy the sand and surf. My husband always suffered through it...not being a real fan of sand and real sand in his lunch, but he was a good sport, and enjoyed watching the children puttering in the sand and played with them in the ocean. After dinner, we'd go to the Boardwalk for the rides every night when the children were young, and as they got older, we did more miniature golf and movies. We enjoyed the smells and sounds of being at the ocean. The best times were those we spent on the backporch of the townhouse. We'd reminisce and plan and sometimes made up stories.
By the time I finished graduate school, we had missed 2 summers at the beach while I was completing my courses, and I decided we would take the family trip of a lifetime. The girls were 14 and 17 and we headed off to London for a week. To see the world through their eyes was enlightening and thorougly enjoyable. I'm sure we did many things we wouldn't have done on our own, and we adored every minute of it. Such wonderful memories and adventures. I'd repeat it in a minute.
Even today, I'm planning a week at the beach again. This time to actually stay, not just enjoy its beach during the day, at the Antigua - where we went a couple of years ago and enjoyed an oceanside condo for 4 days. There was no question that all of us want to be together to enjoy old memories and make new ones.
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Lesson 5: Remain Neutral at all Costs
There is nothing worse than putting your two cents into other people's arguments. The best scenario is that your two cents is never "heard" and the people involved come to a consensus. The worst scenario is that your two cents is absorbed, misinterpreted, and now you not only become immersed in the argument, but you become the target of a new argument and the other people are now in cohoots against you!
This is particularly true when your children have issues with other children. Do not get involved. Kids tend to work it out between themselves very quickly. Meanwhile, you and the other parents are now locking horns with each other. In time, it's like the Hatfields and McCoys - no one knows how or why it started, but everyone keeps it going.
Your thoughts?
This is particularly true when your children have issues with other children. Do not get involved. Kids tend to work it out between themselves very quickly. Meanwhile, you and the other parents are now locking horns with each other. In time, it's like the Hatfields and McCoys - no one knows how or why it started, but everyone keeps it going.
Your thoughts?
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Lesson 3b: Letting Your Child Think They Have Control of You
When the children were young, we were bent on having them feel they could tell us anything - not hold in anger; not act out because of fear in telling us. Thus, the birth of the ten minute playtime.
What is the ten minute playtime? Every night before they went to bed, we allowed them to tell us what they wanted to do and with which parent. Don't worry - the activities centered around reading a story, playing a game with one parent or the entire family, reviewing the days activities, or having family meetings. And rarely was it only ten minutes..but that was the minimal time.
The children really looked forward to that time. It was great for their communication as they tried to determine what they wanted to do before bedtime. My personal favorite was when they called for a family meeting.
Imagine this...two little girls, 7 and 10, dressed in frilly pajamas, telling us what they felt was unfair and providing solutions. We used to call our youngest, Henrietta Kissinger, because she was always fighting for her big sister's rights to stay up later or watch a TV show; of course, planning her own future in the process.
It went basically like this. At dinner, which we always tried to eat together (a home-cooked meal), they would let us know their plans for bedtime. If it was a family meeting, the two girls would huddle together and sometimes write down their list of "complaints" and plan their case. Then all of us would go into hubby's study where hubby and I would sit on the couch, and then they would plead their case like future attorneys. After they made their statements, presented their case, and proposed solutions, we would talk about it until we gained a consensus. They asked for so little, it was usually a victory for them. But think about the skills they learned - debate, problem solving and compromise without yelling or screaming, only logic. Aside from all that, it was just plain fun. We always laughed together as a family.
So what was the outcome of all of this you might ask? I am delighted to say that we never had one ounce of trouble from either of them. They always felt and still feel comfortable saying what is on their minds. If they think that we will be upset, they preface their conversations with "you may be mad or upset but...". It gives us a chance to brace ourselves so we don't respond emotionally. We never let anger linger between any of us. It's a wonderful sense of freedom that neither my hubby nor myself ever enjoyed.
Since the girls were always the examples for their friends, their friends' parents would say, "If Rachel and Carol can do it, then you can do it." Funny thing though, the girls tells us that everyone thought we were the strictest parents, but in truth, we were the most lenient, with the least rules. Per our children, there was no need to act out against us, because we always provided enough rope.
Let's face it, the reality is that you do your best to teach your children. No one gives you a rule book for making decent productive loving children. It takes a lot of patience, love, and forgiveness for yourself as well as them. And even then, you can't guarantee success.
Now that they are adults and living away from home, it's a joy to know that they enjoy coming home to visit and spending time with us. That's all we ever really wanted. We feel blessed.
What is the ten minute playtime? Every night before they went to bed, we allowed them to tell us what they wanted to do and with which parent. Don't worry - the activities centered around reading a story, playing a game with one parent or the entire family, reviewing the days activities, or having family meetings. And rarely was it only ten minutes..but that was the minimal time.
The children really looked forward to that time. It was great for their communication as they tried to determine what they wanted to do before bedtime. My personal favorite was when they called for a family meeting.
Imagine this...two little girls, 7 and 10, dressed in frilly pajamas, telling us what they felt was unfair and providing solutions. We used to call our youngest, Henrietta Kissinger, because she was always fighting for her big sister's rights to stay up later or watch a TV show; of course, planning her own future in the process.
It went basically like this. At dinner, which we always tried to eat together (a home-cooked meal), they would let us know their plans for bedtime. If it was a family meeting, the two girls would huddle together and sometimes write down their list of "complaints" and plan their case. Then all of us would go into hubby's study where hubby and I would sit on the couch, and then they would plead their case like future attorneys. After they made their statements, presented their case, and proposed solutions, we would talk about it until we gained a consensus. They asked for so little, it was usually a victory for them. But think about the skills they learned - debate, problem solving and compromise without yelling or screaming, only logic. Aside from all that, it was just plain fun. We always laughed together as a family.
So what was the outcome of all of this you might ask? I am delighted to say that we never had one ounce of trouble from either of them. They always felt and still feel comfortable saying what is on their minds. If they think that we will be upset, they preface their conversations with "you may be mad or upset but...". It gives us a chance to brace ourselves so we don't respond emotionally. We never let anger linger between any of us. It's a wonderful sense of freedom that neither my hubby nor myself ever enjoyed.
Since the girls were always the examples for their friends, their friends' parents would say, "If Rachel and Carol can do it, then you can do it." Funny thing though, the girls tells us that everyone thought we were the strictest parents, but in truth, we were the most lenient, with the least rules. Per our children, there was no need to act out against us, because we always provided enough rope.
Let's face it, the reality is that you do your best to teach your children. No one gives you a rule book for making decent productive loving children. It takes a lot of patience, love, and forgiveness for yourself as well as them. And even then, you can't guarantee success.
Now that they are adults and living away from home, it's a joy to know that they enjoy coming home to visit and spending time with us. That's all we ever really wanted. We feel blessed.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Lesson 3a: The Time-Out Chair
When hubby and I first discussed having children a couple of years after we were married, we were determined to raise our children differently than our parents. We did not believe in spanking children. We did not want to shield them from the truth. We wanted them to feel that they could tell us anything without fear. Most importantly, we wanted to be consistent with our decisions.
My parents believed in spanking children with a wooden board titled, "Heat for the Seat" with a comical fella with a smarting tush as decoration. When I was young, I would see that come out of the drawer and ran to my room and locked the door. I always pushed the envelope.
In lieu of spanking, the time-out chair worked wonders. In fact, I took delight in tossing the paddle in the trash in front of my Dad when he handed it down to me to use on my children.
To use the time-out chair technique, all we needed was an old-fashioned kitchen timer and a chair within our view. Our youngest, Rachel, spent so many minutes on the designated chair that after a year of using this technique, we'd give her the look and she'd walk to the chair on her own.
How does the time-out chair work?
1. Provide one warning that if the negative behavior continued, the child will go to the timeout chair for 3 minutes.
2. Once the child is in the chair, set the timer, within his/her site, for 3 minutes.
3. The child has to maintain contact with the chair. I can tell you that Rachel spent a lot of time standing next to the chair with her finger touching its arm; after all, a finger on a chair is contact. She maintained her control while we had the ultimate control - a win-win for all of us.
4. If the child loses contact with the chair, the time gets reset for three more minutes plus the remaining minutes of the original three minutes. Rachel was exceptionally skilled at racking up the minutes.
My parents believed in spanking children with a wooden board titled, "Heat for the Seat" with a comical fella with a smarting tush as decoration. When I was young, I would see that come out of the drawer and ran to my room and locked the door. I always pushed the envelope.
In lieu of spanking, the time-out chair worked wonders. In fact, I took delight in tossing the paddle in the trash in front of my Dad when he handed it down to me to use on my children.
To use the time-out chair technique, all we needed was an old-fashioned kitchen timer and a chair within our view. Our youngest, Rachel, spent so many minutes on the designated chair that after a year of using this technique, we'd give her the look and she'd walk to the chair on her own.
How does the time-out chair work?
1. Provide one warning that if the negative behavior continued, the child will go to the timeout chair for 3 minutes.
2. Once the child is in the chair, set the timer, within his/her site, for 3 minutes.
3. The child has to maintain contact with the chair. I can tell you that Rachel spent a lot of time standing next to the chair with her finger touching its arm; after all, a finger on a chair is contact. She maintained her control while we had the ultimate control - a win-win for all of us.
4. If the child loses contact with the chair, the time gets reset for three more minutes plus the remaining minutes of the original three minutes. Rachel was exceptionally skilled at racking up the minutes.
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