Lesson 3b: Letting Your Child Think They Have Control of You

When the children were young, we were bent on having them feel they could tell us anything - not hold in anger; not act out because of fear in telling us. Thus, the birth of the ten minute playtime.

What is the ten minute playtime? Every night before they went to bed, we allowed them to tell us what they wanted to do and with which parent. Don't worry - the activities centered around reading a story, playing a game with one parent or the entire family, reviewing the days activities, or having family meetings. And rarely was it only ten minutes..but that was the minimal time.

The children really looked forward to that time. It was great for their communication as they tried to determine what they wanted to do before bedtime. My personal favorite was when they called for a family meeting.

Imagine this...two little girls, 7 and 10, dressed in frilly pajamas, telling us what they felt was unfair and providing solutions. We used to call our youngest, Henrietta Kissinger, because she was always fighting for her big sister's rights to stay up later or watch a TV show; of course, planning her own future in the process.

It went basically like this. At dinner, which we always tried to eat together (a home-cooked meal), they would let us know their plans for bedtime. If it was a family meeting, the two girls would huddle together and sometimes write down their list of "complaints" and plan their case. Then all of us would go into hubby's study where hubby and I would sit on the couch, and then they would plead their case like future attorneys. After they made their statements, presented their case, and proposed solutions, we would talk about it until we gained a consensus. They asked for so little, it was usually a victory for them. But think about the skills they learned - debate, problem solving and compromise without yelling or screaming, only logic. Aside from all that, it was just plain fun. We always laughed together as a family.

So what was the outcome of all of this you might ask? I am delighted to say that we never had one ounce of trouble from either of them. They always felt and still feel comfortable saying what is on their minds. If they think that we will be upset, they preface their conversations with "you may be mad or upset but...". It gives us a chance to brace ourselves so we don't respond emotionally. We never let anger linger between any of us. It's a wonderful sense of freedom that neither my hubby nor myself ever enjoyed.

Since the girls were always the examples for their friends, their friends' parents would say, "If Rachel and Carol can do it, then you can do it." Funny thing though, the girls tells us that everyone thought we were the strictest parents, but in truth, we were the most lenient, with the least rules. Per our children, there was no need to act out against us, because we always provided enough rope.

Let's face it, the reality is that you do your best to teach your children. No one gives you a rule book for making decent productive loving children. It takes a lot of patience, love, and forgiveness for yourself as well as them. And even then, you can't guarantee success.

Now that they are adults and living away from home, it's a joy to know that they enjoy coming home to visit and spending time with us. That's all we ever really wanted. We feel blessed.

Lesson 1a: Marry a Guy with Sisters or Who is an Orphan

If you are lucky enough to meet a guy who has sisters, his mom is already trained in the special needs of young women. She knows how to deal with the hormones, and willingly takes her daughter-in-law's stand on those issues relating to family and home. When she invites you to her home for dinner, she may actually ask you what you want to eat, not just focus on sonny boy's favorite foods. After all, she is not in a contest for her son's attention. She already knows if she plays it right, her daughter-in-law will be like a daughter to her. You see, it's not rocket science. It goes back to caveman days. Men hunt and women gather and nurture. So why doesn't the woman with only sons ever get that? Instead, she's on the hunt, to get that other woman out of her life. What's the sense of that? Over the years, her daughter-in-law figures out how to avoid being around her as much as she can. The visits are shorter and focus on how both women can avoid each other. The poor husband/son is right in the middle. Not a pretty site!

However, if you marry the orphan, you can really avoid all of that. The orphaned guy, particularly if he has recently lost his parents, is grateful to be enveloped in family love. He's the guy who is happy to do what he can for his new family. In time, your parents love him more than they love you...or so you think. He can do no wrong, and you can do no right. BUT...there is no fighting over where to go over the holidays - Thanksgiving, Christmas, Mother's Day, Father's Day...the worst holidays to duke it out.

So do your research, and assess the family relationships, before you choose your life partner.