This is a tough one...how do you find the balance between friendship and parenthood? My point of view is that you never go into the parenting role planning to be friends with your child, or you'll lose sight of the importance of being a parent.
Children need boundaries and rules. It's the way we survive in a civilization. Otherwise, there is total anarchy and nothing gets accomplished. No one has a purpose, because there are no rules to live by or outcomes to desire.
Children need CONSISTENT boundaries and rules. I grew up with the "ask your mother" "ask your father" routine when I asked to do something. No one wanted to commit to an answer that the other parent might not like.
Both parents need to be on the same page, whether the other one agrees with the decision or not. The decision gets made, and both parents need to support that decision. Take it up with your partner after your child is out of the room, but be a cohesive unit in his/her presence. The benefit is that your child learns that parenting is shared. They learn the art of compromise while watching their parents make those decisions together. This lesson is invaluable for problem solving and working in groups in your child's future personal and professional life.
Once your child knows the rules and how it works, that the boundaries are clearly established, and they grow up to respect and anticipate your response, then you can finally be a friend as well.
Your thoughts?
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
Lesson 7: Work to Live - NOT Live to Work
This one took me a long time to learn. When I came out of the gate from college, I was raring to take over the world. I had big dreams of professional success, prosperity, and life's perfection. I didn't just work, I WORKED! I always volunteered to do the extra tasks, thinking it would help me climb the ladder faster. All it did was give me more work on a regular basis.
Then, I started thinking of how I could give back to the world. As a nurse, I thought the fact I helped people was decent and pure, but there was so much more. So I had a vision of putting continuing education (a requirement for most nurses today) on the Internet, when the Internet was still DOS-based; there was no world wide web, and commerce was not in vogue. After a lot of effort in pounding pavements to sell my futuristic idea to nursing schools in order to give the project credibility and legs, I finally found some success with the University of Maryland. Describing it simplistically, it tested my meddle in regard to breaking the glass ceiling. All it did was give the University of Maryland credit as the first nursing school to provide CEUs online, and no one knows I was actually the brains behind the idea.
Still, I didn't let that experience stop me. I still had drive and determination. I felt the Internet was the future, and still do. We will eventually live in two worlds - bricks & mortar and the virtual world. I was one of the first people I knew to telecommute for work managing a large project for Microsoft - at the opposite end of the country. It was challenging, rewarding, and I loved it. In the end, the contract was over, Microsoft changed their direction, my work and home lives blended unexpectedly, and I gained 50 pounds.
However, I was now armed with a masters degree in information systems and nursing (aka nursing informatics) and great experience from a major player in the computer industry. I was also facing the challenge of adjusting back to a scheduled work life where I wasn't working 24 hours a day. It was difficult. In the end, I was bored at work, but I worked only 40 hours a week.
So, now I was missing the challenge and assumed an IT position at one of the world's most prestigious medical institutions. In addition, to taking on the role of 3-4 people, I was also carrying a pager, expected to add 12 hour shifts to my 40 hour week during implementation, and my creativity was totally stifled.
So where am I going with all of this? I am now 55 years old. In Fall 2008, I was diagnosed with breast cancer...luckily at a very early stage and have been successfully treated. The experience resulted in a personal review of my life - the achievements and the failures.
I realized I spent way too much time working for unappreciative people with goals that did not align with my own. I spent way too much time letting people take advantage of my giving nature. I lived to work.
Today, I am striving to work to live. To enjoy the hours after the work day ends. To remove the Blackberry and email from my life after closing time. It is a conundrum however. You see, I spent most of my life building my career. My credentials and skills set qualified me for responsible positions. Why would someone with all I have want to work in a job that does not reflect all I can do and can be? Employers just don't get it.
For you, my children, don't wait until age 55 to realize that life is for living. Work is the way to finance the things you really want to do. Work to live!
Your thoughts?
Then, I started thinking of how I could give back to the world. As a nurse, I thought the fact I helped people was decent and pure, but there was so much more. So I had a vision of putting continuing education (a requirement for most nurses today) on the Internet, when the Internet was still DOS-based; there was no world wide web, and commerce was not in vogue. After a lot of effort in pounding pavements to sell my futuristic idea to nursing schools in order to give the project credibility and legs, I finally found some success with the University of Maryland. Describing it simplistically, it tested my meddle in regard to breaking the glass ceiling. All it did was give the University of Maryland credit as the first nursing school to provide CEUs online, and no one knows I was actually the brains behind the idea.
Still, I didn't let that experience stop me. I still had drive and determination. I felt the Internet was the future, and still do. We will eventually live in two worlds - bricks & mortar and the virtual world. I was one of the first people I knew to telecommute for work managing a large project for Microsoft - at the opposite end of the country. It was challenging, rewarding, and I loved it. In the end, the contract was over, Microsoft changed their direction, my work and home lives blended unexpectedly, and I gained 50 pounds.
However, I was now armed with a masters degree in information systems and nursing (aka nursing informatics) and great experience from a major player in the computer industry. I was also facing the challenge of adjusting back to a scheduled work life where I wasn't working 24 hours a day. It was difficult. In the end, I was bored at work, but I worked only 40 hours a week.
So, now I was missing the challenge and assumed an IT position at one of the world's most prestigious medical institutions. In addition, to taking on the role of 3-4 people, I was also carrying a pager, expected to add 12 hour shifts to my 40 hour week during implementation, and my creativity was totally stifled.
So where am I going with all of this? I am now 55 years old. In Fall 2008, I was diagnosed with breast cancer...luckily at a very early stage and have been successfully treated. The experience resulted in a personal review of my life - the achievements and the failures.
I realized I spent way too much time working for unappreciative people with goals that did not align with my own. I spent way too much time letting people take advantage of my giving nature. I lived to work.
Today, I am striving to work to live. To enjoy the hours after the work day ends. To remove the Blackberry and email from my life after closing time. It is a conundrum however. You see, I spent most of my life building my career. My credentials and skills set qualified me for responsible positions. Why would someone with all I have want to work in a job that does not reflect all I can do and can be? Employers just don't get it.
For you, my children, don't wait until age 55 to realize that life is for living. Work is the way to finance the things you really want to do. Work to live!
Your thoughts?
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Lesson 6: Early Bedtime for Infants
Let's face it. Newborns and infants don't do too much but eat, sleep, and dirty diapers. The interaction between your child and yourself occurs each time you feed your baby, put him/her to sleep and change a diaper. So why do parents insist on keeping babies up all night?
I am amazed at the number of infants that I see out in public wide awake after 10 PM. The truth is that babies need schedules...consistent schedules for eating and sleeping. That consistency leads to consistent elimination habits as well. It also goes along with consistent decision making as parents. Consistency = success.
The advantages of an early bedtime schedule are numerous:
1. Allows time for attention to your other children.
2. Enables your child to sustain a steady circadian rhythm. This is priceless as the child gets older and prepares to start school. Realistically, how can you expect a child who is put to sleep at 11 PM to suddenly wake up at 6 AM to get ready for day care or school? Can you do that and be at your best?
3. For working parents, the time after work is sacred and good planning can make that time valuable and not feel like more work.
Your thoughts?
I am amazed at the number of infants that I see out in public wide awake after 10 PM. The truth is that babies need schedules...consistent schedules for eating and sleeping. That consistency leads to consistent elimination habits as well. It also goes along with consistent decision making as parents. Consistency = success.
The advantages of an early bedtime schedule are numerous:
1. Allows time for attention to your other children.
2. Enables your child to sustain a steady circadian rhythm. This is priceless as the child gets older and prepares to start school. Realistically, how can you expect a child who is put to sleep at 11 PM to suddenly wake up at 6 AM to get ready for day care or school? Can you do that and be at your best?
3. For working parents, the time after work is sacred and good planning can make that time valuable and not feel like more work.
Your thoughts?
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Lesson 5: Remain Neutral at all Costs
There is nothing worse than putting your two cents into other people's arguments. The best scenario is that your two cents is never "heard" and the people involved come to a consensus. The worst scenario is that your two cents is absorbed, misinterpreted, and now you not only become immersed in the argument, but you become the target of a new argument and the other people are now in cohoots against you!
This is particularly true when your children have issues with other children. Do not get involved. Kids tend to work it out between themselves very quickly. Meanwhile, you and the other parents are now locking horns with each other. In time, it's like the Hatfields and McCoys - no one knows how or why it started, but everyone keeps it going.
Your thoughts?
This is particularly true when your children have issues with other children. Do not get involved. Kids tend to work it out between themselves very quickly. Meanwhile, you and the other parents are now locking horns with each other. In time, it's like the Hatfields and McCoys - no one knows how or why it started, but everyone keeps it going.
Your thoughts?
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Lesson 3b: Letting Your Child Think They Have Control of You
When the children were young, we were bent on having them feel they could tell us anything - not hold in anger; not act out because of fear in telling us. Thus, the birth of the ten minute playtime.
What is the ten minute playtime? Every night before they went to bed, we allowed them to tell us what they wanted to do and with which parent. Don't worry - the activities centered around reading a story, playing a game with one parent or the entire family, reviewing the days activities, or having family meetings. And rarely was it only ten minutes..but that was the minimal time.
The children really looked forward to that time. It was great for their communication as they tried to determine what they wanted to do before bedtime. My personal favorite was when they called for a family meeting.
Imagine this...two little girls, 7 and 10, dressed in frilly pajamas, telling us what they felt was unfair and providing solutions. We used to call our youngest, Henrietta Kissinger, because she was always fighting for her big sister's rights to stay up later or watch a TV show; of course, planning her own future in the process.
It went basically like this. At dinner, which we always tried to eat together (a home-cooked meal), they would let us know their plans for bedtime. If it was a family meeting, the two girls would huddle together and sometimes write down their list of "complaints" and plan their case. Then all of us would go into hubby's study where hubby and I would sit on the couch, and then they would plead their case like future attorneys. After they made their statements, presented their case, and proposed solutions, we would talk about it until we gained a consensus. They asked for so little, it was usually a victory for them. But think about the skills they learned - debate, problem solving and compromise without yelling or screaming, only logic. Aside from all that, it was just plain fun. We always laughed together as a family.
So what was the outcome of all of this you might ask? I am delighted to say that we never had one ounce of trouble from either of them. They always felt and still feel comfortable saying what is on their minds. If they think that we will be upset, they preface their conversations with "you may be mad or upset but...". It gives us a chance to brace ourselves so we don't respond emotionally. We never let anger linger between any of us. It's a wonderful sense of freedom that neither my hubby nor myself ever enjoyed.
Since the girls were always the examples for their friends, their friends' parents would say, "If Rachel and Carol can do it, then you can do it." Funny thing though, the girls tells us that everyone thought we were the strictest parents, but in truth, we were the most lenient, with the least rules. Per our children, there was no need to act out against us, because we always provided enough rope.
Let's face it, the reality is that you do your best to teach your children. No one gives you a rule book for making decent productive loving children. It takes a lot of patience, love, and forgiveness for yourself as well as them. And even then, you can't guarantee success.
Now that they are adults and living away from home, it's a joy to know that they enjoy coming home to visit and spending time with us. That's all we ever really wanted. We feel blessed.
What is the ten minute playtime? Every night before they went to bed, we allowed them to tell us what they wanted to do and with which parent. Don't worry - the activities centered around reading a story, playing a game with one parent or the entire family, reviewing the days activities, or having family meetings. And rarely was it only ten minutes..but that was the minimal time.
The children really looked forward to that time. It was great for their communication as they tried to determine what they wanted to do before bedtime. My personal favorite was when they called for a family meeting.
Imagine this...two little girls, 7 and 10, dressed in frilly pajamas, telling us what they felt was unfair and providing solutions. We used to call our youngest, Henrietta Kissinger, because she was always fighting for her big sister's rights to stay up later or watch a TV show; of course, planning her own future in the process.
It went basically like this. At dinner, which we always tried to eat together (a home-cooked meal), they would let us know their plans for bedtime. If it was a family meeting, the two girls would huddle together and sometimes write down their list of "complaints" and plan their case. Then all of us would go into hubby's study where hubby and I would sit on the couch, and then they would plead their case like future attorneys. After they made their statements, presented their case, and proposed solutions, we would talk about it until we gained a consensus. They asked for so little, it was usually a victory for them. But think about the skills they learned - debate, problem solving and compromise without yelling or screaming, only logic. Aside from all that, it was just plain fun. We always laughed together as a family.
So what was the outcome of all of this you might ask? I am delighted to say that we never had one ounce of trouble from either of them. They always felt and still feel comfortable saying what is on their minds. If they think that we will be upset, they preface their conversations with "you may be mad or upset but...". It gives us a chance to brace ourselves so we don't respond emotionally. We never let anger linger between any of us. It's a wonderful sense of freedom that neither my hubby nor myself ever enjoyed.
Since the girls were always the examples for their friends, their friends' parents would say, "If Rachel and Carol can do it, then you can do it." Funny thing though, the girls tells us that everyone thought we were the strictest parents, but in truth, we were the most lenient, with the least rules. Per our children, there was no need to act out against us, because we always provided enough rope.
Let's face it, the reality is that you do your best to teach your children. No one gives you a rule book for making decent productive loving children. It takes a lot of patience, love, and forgiveness for yourself as well as them. And even then, you can't guarantee success.
Now that they are adults and living away from home, it's a joy to know that they enjoy coming home to visit and spending time with us. That's all we ever really wanted. We feel blessed.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Lesson 3a: The Time-Out Chair
When hubby and I first discussed having children a couple of years after we were married, we were determined to raise our children differently than our parents. We did not believe in spanking children. We did not want to shield them from the truth. We wanted them to feel that they could tell us anything without fear. Most importantly, we wanted to be consistent with our decisions.
My parents believed in spanking children with a wooden board titled, "Heat for the Seat" with a comical fella with a smarting tush as decoration. When I was young, I would see that come out of the drawer and ran to my room and locked the door. I always pushed the envelope.
In lieu of spanking, the time-out chair worked wonders. In fact, I took delight in tossing the paddle in the trash in front of my Dad when he handed it down to me to use on my children.
To use the time-out chair technique, all we needed was an old-fashioned kitchen timer and a chair within our view. Our youngest, Rachel, spent so many minutes on the designated chair that after a year of using this technique, we'd give her the look and she'd walk to the chair on her own.
How does the time-out chair work?
1. Provide one warning that if the negative behavior continued, the child will go to the timeout chair for 3 minutes.
2. Once the child is in the chair, set the timer, within his/her site, for 3 minutes.
3. The child has to maintain contact with the chair. I can tell you that Rachel spent a lot of time standing next to the chair with her finger touching its arm; after all, a finger on a chair is contact. She maintained her control while we had the ultimate control - a win-win for all of us.
4. If the child loses contact with the chair, the time gets reset for three more minutes plus the remaining minutes of the original three minutes. Rachel was exceptionally skilled at racking up the minutes.
My parents believed in spanking children with a wooden board titled, "Heat for the Seat" with a comical fella with a smarting tush as decoration. When I was young, I would see that come out of the drawer and ran to my room and locked the door. I always pushed the envelope.
In lieu of spanking, the time-out chair worked wonders. In fact, I took delight in tossing the paddle in the trash in front of my Dad when he handed it down to me to use on my children.
To use the time-out chair technique, all we needed was an old-fashioned kitchen timer and a chair within our view. Our youngest, Rachel, spent so many minutes on the designated chair that after a year of using this technique, we'd give her the look and she'd walk to the chair on her own.
How does the time-out chair work?
1. Provide one warning that if the negative behavior continued, the child will go to the timeout chair for 3 minutes.
2. Once the child is in the chair, set the timer, within his/her site, for 3 minutes.
3. The child has to maintain contact with the chair. I can tell you that Rachel spent a lot of time standing next to the chair with her finger touching its arm; after all, a finger on a chair is contact. She maintained her control while we had the ultimate control - a win-win for all of us.
4. If the child loses contact with the chair, the time gets reset for three more minutes plus the remaining minutes of the original three minutes. Rachel was exceptionally skilled at racking up the minutes.
Lesson 2: In the Corporate World, Stuff Them with Candy
Ever wonder how you attract the attention of the big decision makers in the Corporate world? Put a dish of candy on your desk - chocolate, peppermints, sourballs - enough variety to please everyone.
The candy dish is the alternate "watercooler". It is amazing what you learn while a higher up is munching on a Hershey bar loaded with nuts, totally immersed in the power of chocolate.
The candy dish also works for getting attention and encouraging people performance. For example, you can't get a person to a meeting? Bribe them with candy. Take note of what candy is his/her favorite and make sure to stock your jar with it. You'll find it won't be so hard to get them to attend the next meeting. Of course, adding a thank you for attending is helpful too!
I know you're probably saying, "Feed them." This is also true, but candy gives you a better ROI (return on investment).
The candy dish is the alternate "watercooler". It is amazing what you learn while a higher up is munching on a Hershey bar loaded with nuts, totally immersed in the power of chocolate.
The candy dish also works for getting attention and encouraging people performance. For example, you can't get a person to a meeting? Bribe them with candy. Take note of what candy is his/her favorite and make sure to stock your jar with it. You'll find it won't be so hard to get them to attend the next meeting. Of course, adding a thank you for attending is helpful too!
I know you're probably saying, "Feed them." This is also true, but candy gives you a better ROI (return on investment).
Lesson 4: Sleepover Camp - A Resounding YES!
There are obviously two points of view on whether it is a good thing to send your child to sleepover camp. I spent every EIGHT weeks away every summer from age 10 - 16. Mom and Dad would visit one day at the end of week four, but I loved every minute of my summers, and cried when it was time to go home at the end. I really missed my camp friends who became my family every summer. It was so much fun to grow up together and share everything that happened in the 10 months we were away from each other. Of course, this is NOT exactly what parents want to hear, but there are so many advantages for going to camp:
1. It gives children AND parents a vacation from one another. As much as we love each other, it never hurts to have some safe distance to rest and reflect objectively and recharge those batteries.
2. Children learn to be independent. They make their own beds, manage their own activities within the schedule they are provided, and resolve their problems without parental advice. This is invaluable.
3. Children learn group dynamics early in life - the art of compromise, problem solving, effective communication, change management, leadership, scapegoating, whistle blowing, etc. It is their first MBA course, but they have the joy of living it instead of reading about it; also, invaluable.
4. Lifelong friendships evolve from camp experiences. In the course of two months, many experiences and emotions are shared between your new camp family. Most of this takes place during a child's adolescence - not an easy time, but the comfort of close friends to provide support is also invaluable. Today, I talk to many of my camp friends from 40 years ago on Facebook, always with a warm feeling for all the wonderful memories we have shared.
5. Camps provide a safe and monitored environment to experience the first four advantages.
So what are the disadvantages of summer camp?
1. The cost can be prohibitive although many camps provide scholarships or work programs where parents can work at the camp in exchange for a child to attend the camp (e.g., camp nurse, camp counselor, office staff).
2. Children and parents can genuinely miss each other. I must say that I was not an advocate of 8 week camp for my daughters. We are a close family, and I wanted to have some of that free summer time to go to the beach together and do other fun activities before school started. As a result, four weeks felt right, but some camps offer 2 week programs as well.
3. Parents, who like to hover, will find it difficult not to verbally communicate with their children on a daily basis. I'm sure that eventually, children will be allowed to have cell phones at camp, but for now...the decreased communication is essential to get the benefits out of camp.
4. Children may be exposed to other children who are deemed less than desirable friends for your children. You have to rely on the fact that your child has the common sense to avoid negative influences.
So what would you do and why?
1. It gives children AND parents a vacation from one another. As much as we love each other, it never hurts to have some safe distance to rest and reflect objectively and recharge those batteries.
2. Children learn to be independent. They make their own beds, manage their own activities within the schedule they are provided, and resolve their problems without parental advice. This is invaluable.
3. Children learn group dynamics early in life - the art of compromise, problem solving, effective communication, change management, leadership, scapegoating, whistle blowing, etc. It is their first MBA course, but they have the joy of living it instead of reading about it; also, invaluable.
4. Lifelong friendships evolve from camp experiences. In the course of two months, many experiences and emotions are shared between your new camp family. Most of this takes place during a child's adolescence - not an easy time, but the comfort of close friends to provide support is also invaluable. Today, I talk to many of my camp friends from 40 years ago on Facebook, always with a warm feeling for all the wonderful memories we have shared.
5. Camps provide a safe and monitored environment to experience the first four advantages.
So what are the disadvantages of summer camp?
1. The cost can be prohibitive although many camps provide scholarships or work programs where parents can work at the camp in exchange for a child to attend the camp (e.g., camp nurse, camp counselor, office staff).
2. Children and parents can genuinely miss each other. I must say that I was not an advocate of 8 week camp for my daughters. We are a close family, and I wanted to have some of that free summer time to go to the beach together and do other fun activities before school started. As a result, four weeks felt right, but some camps offer 2 week programs as well.
3. Parents, who like to hover, will find it difficult not to verbally communicate with their children on a daily basis. I'm sure that eventually, children will be allowed to have cell phones at camp, but for now...the decreased communication is essential to get the benefits out of camp.
4. Children may be exposed to other children who are deemed less than desirable friends for your children. You have to rely on the fact that your child has the common sense to avoid negative influences.
So what would you do and why?
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