Never think that how you act around others does not get noticed or does not make a difference. Yesterday, my daughter attended a bachelorette party and one of attendees was a young woman I had worked with in a former job.
My daughter introduced herself as my daughter, and the woman commented to her how much fun I was to work with and that she always liked sitting with me at meetings. It goes to show you that even if you're not bosom buddies, you never know how you impact people through your daily interactions. So the lesson today is to be mindful of how you act and what you say, for it will follow you everywhere through people you least expect.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Friday, July 30, 2010
Lesson 19: Get the Whole Picture before You Take Apart the Pieces
This is a lesson to be applied to your work life, as well as your personal life. It is much easier to immediately react to information than to wait until you have the whole story. Remember: The whole is greater than the sum of its parts.
Imagine how much angst you can prevent and diffuse by just being a bit patient and a little bit of a detective. Looking at situations is not just a question of judging shared conversations, but it involves looking at the environment, circumstances, as well as external and intrinsic factors that may have driven the action. Only when you really think you've done your homework should you feel comfortable that it is safe to take a stand. However, be mindful of an earlier lesson: Once it's out of the mouth, it can never be taken back.
Listening can be a very valuable tool. Have you really listened or do you just hear?
Imagine how much angst you can prevent and diffuse by just being a bit patient and a little bit of a detective. Looking at situations is not just a question of judging shared conversations, but it involves looking at the environment, circumstances, as well as external and intrinsic factors that may have driven the action. Only when you really think you've done your homework should you feel comfortable that it is safe to take a stand. However, be mindful of an earlier lesson: Once it's out of the mouth, it can never be taken back.
Listening can be a very valuable tool. Have you really listened or do you just hear?
Monday, July 26, 2010
Lesson 18: Get the Anger Out and Get Over It!
Are you the kind of person that gets angry and throws it off or do you harbor it, let it grow into fatigue and depression and maybe a headache, stomachache or some other psychosomatic illness?
Growing up in a family where it wasn't cool to express your anger, I was definitely in the second camp, and now that I'm an adult suffering from the results of long-term internal anger, it was a priority that my children learn to manage their anger much more effectively.
The basic tenet within our household was "Get the anger out and get over it!". We would tell the children that if they were ever worried that we'd be angry by what they'd say, they should tell us exactly that, and then say what's on their mind. It worked like a charm. It prepared us to expect to hear something we probably did not want to hear, and at the same time, prevented us from reacting emotionally. At the same time, the children were able to "get it out" and "get over it". As a result, the children always felt comfortable telling us what was on their mind. Not everyone agreed with this parenting tactic, but we are grateful for the openness within our family, even if it is tempered with emotion.
The children also manage their personal relationships in the same way. The big surprise for them was learning that not all their friends were so comfortable with the frank sharing of feelings and ideas. It was a learning moment for them that not everyone has an open door for communication.
The final part of this lesson is to remember that you should always be careful what you say because you can NEVER take it back once it's out of your mouth. The damage could be forever as so many of us already know.
Growing up in a family where it wasn't cool to express your anger, I was definitely in the second camp, and now that I'm an adult suffering from the results of long-term internal anger, it was a priority that my children learn to manage their anger much more effectively.
The basic tenet within our household was "Get the anger out and get over it!". We would tell the children that if they were ever worried that we'd be angry by what they'd say, they should tell us exactly that, and then say what's on their mind. It worked like a charm. It prepared us to expect to hear something we probably did not want to hear, and at the same time, prevented us from reacting emotionally. At the same time, the children were able to "get it out" and "get over it". As a result, the children always felt comfortable telling us what was on their mind. Not everyone agreed with this parenting tactic, but we are grateful for the openness within our family, even if it is tempered with emotion.
The children also manage their personal relationships in the same way. The big surprise for them was learning that not all their friends were so comfortable with the frank sharing of feelings and ideas. It was a learning moment for them that not everyone has an open door for communication.
The final part of this lesson is to remember that you should always be careful what you say because you can NEVER take it back once it's out of your mouth. The damage could be forever as so many of us already know.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Lesson 17: Disappointment = It Is What It Is
There are just some things in life that will disappoint you. You have options on how to handle. You can stew and steam and stress over it, or you can just accept the fact it is what it is. Enough said.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Lesson 16: Make Hay While the Sun Shines
Events of the week brought this lesson back to life. It is so easy to view the glass as half empty rather than half full. How often do we wish that our lives could be different? If we only had more of this and more of that, we could do this and that.
This week we learned that two people in our lives were terminally ill. One was particularly shocking. The other expected. It brought to mind that there is a way for most of us to make our lives different that we can control and that is "TIME". For those dear ones who have been given a timeline, that "TIME" has become very precious. They will eek out the most they can do with all those they love the best way they can while the quality of their lives remain.
For most of us, we often overlook the value of this very precious gift. We take time for granted and put off what can be done another time. It isn't until we are challenged with a defined timeline that there is finally meaning.
The lesson here is to grab the brass ring when you can for our timelines are uncertain. View the gift of time as a precious gem. Find one thing to do each day to make your life fulfilling so if and when you learn you have a timeline, you can look back with joy at a life well-lived.
This week we learned that two people in our lives were terminally ill. One was particularly shocking. The other expected. It brought to mind that there is a way for most of us to make our lives different that we can control and that is "TIME". For those dear ones who have been given a timeline, that "TIME" has become very precious. They will eek out the most they can do with all those they love the best way they can while the quality of their lives remain.
For most of us, we often overlook the value of this very precious gift. We take time for granted and put off what can be done another time. It isn't until we are challenged with a defined timeline that there is finally meaning.
The lesson here is to grab the brass ring when you can for our timelines are uncertain. View the gift of time as a precious gem. Find one thing to do each day to make your life fulfilling so if and when you learn you have a timeline, you can look back with joy at a life well-lived.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Lesson 15: Lead by Example
It is very hypocritical to ask your children to do the very things that you do not do. For example, if you do not share, how do your children learn to share? If you do not take responsiblity, how do your children learn to take responsibility? If you do not live your life with a sense of morality and ethics, how do you expect your children to learn how to live civilly in our society?
Research shows that some children, despite abuse and parents who repeatedly break the law, are hearty and resilient and somehow become productive members of society. However, not everyone is inherently strong enough to do that. There are more followers than leaders. And, as we have learned through history, not all leaders have good intentions in their hearts.
Is it a given, your children will do the "right" things just because you do? Of course not, but you have a better chance because you have led by example. Visiting the elderly, participating in community projects, showing compassion to those who have less than you are all good ways to show your child that part of our responsibility is to help others.
If we have what we need, and most of what we want, is it not the right thing to share with others less fortunate? It does not always have to be monetary. Your time, your muscle (as in physical assistance) and your "ear" (as in a visit) are all valuable gifts. Pay it forward. It pays dividends.
Research shows that some children, despite abuse and parents who repeatedly break the law, are hearty and resilient and somehow become productive members of society. However, not everyone is inherently strong enough to do that. There are more followers than leaders. And, as we have learned through history, not all leaders have good intentions in their hearts.
Is it a given, your children will do the "right" things just because you do? Of course not, but you have a better chance because you have led by example. Visiting the elderly, participating in community projects, showing compassion to those who have less than you are all good ways to show your child that part of our responsibility is to help others.
If we have what we need, and most of what we want, is it not the right thing to share with others less fortunate? It does not always have to be monetary. Your time, your muscle (as in physical assistance) and your "ear" (as in a visit) are all valuable gifts. Pay it forward. It pays dividends.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Lesson 14: Love Your Siblings
When I was in my youth, Ann Landers wrote a daily column for the Baltimore Sunpaper. Her column served as a predecessor to the advice talk shows of today. Readers would mail in questions, and Ann, in her infinite common sense wisdom, would provide an answer that became the rule in many households. She was blessed to have a twin sister, also know as Dear Abby, because she too had an advice column in a competing newspaper chain.
Around the time I became an adolescent, she wrote a poignant column about loving your siblings. A reader wrote to her very angry about her sibling's behavior. She wanted Ann to agree with her that she should walk away from the relationship and not look back.
It was Ann's response that I remember to this day, and of which, I have reminded my daughters throughout their lives whenever I have sensed a rift in their relationship.
Simply put, Ann reminded the reader that she was fortunate to have a sister, and that no matter where life takes her and no matter what happens to her, her sister will always be there and they will always share a special bond that no one else can break.
As I age, I appreciate that more than ever. I see my 84 year old dad and 95 year old father in law live in isolation as friends die, their physical limitations increase, and the will to discover wanes. At the end, all you have is your family. So sow the seeds of your sibling relationships. Never let a disagreement go unresolved. Remember to tell each other "I love you."
Around the time I became an adolescent, she wrote a poignant column about loving your siblings. A reader wrote to her very angry about her sibling's behavior. She wanted Ann to agree with her that she should walk away from the relationship and not look back.
It was Ann's response that I remember to this day, and of which, I have reminded my daughters throughout their lives whenever I have sensed a rift in their relationship.
Simply put, Ann reminded the reader that she was fortunate to have a sister, and that no matter where life takes her and no matter what happens to her, her sister will always be there and they will always share a special bond that no one else can break.
As I age, I appreciate that more than ever. I see my 84 year old dad and 95 year old father in law live in isolation as friends die, their physical limitations increase, and the will to discover wanes. At the end, all you have is your family. So sow the seeds of your sibling relationships. Never let a disagreement go unresolved. Remember to tell each other "I love you."
Monday, June 21, 2010
Lesson 13: You are Only as Happy as Your Saddest Child
I owe this one to my friend, Fran. Years ago, when the children were young, and it was one of those days, she shared this tidbit of wisdom with me. I never forgot it and share it with other parents.
For those of you who are already parents, think back to moments in time when one of your children was struggling for whatever reason. You probably remember it being a particularly stressful time, despite all the other good things in your life.
Another fact: As your children age, the cause of sadness is generally more serious, and harder to resolve. It is probably one of the toughest tasks of parenthood, but also proof that there is a permanent tether between you and your children. We can't always kiss it and make it better, but we can support our child and let him/her know we care.
For those of you who are already parents, think back to moments in time when one of your children was struggling for whatever reason. You probably remember it being a particularly stressful time, despite all the other good things in your life.
Another fact: As your children age, the cause of sadness is generally more serious, and harder to resolve. It is probably one of the toughest tasks of parenthood, but also proof that there is a permanent tether between you and your children. We can't always kiss it and make it better, but we can support our child and let him/her know we care.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Lesson 12: Learn to Listen
When I was in nursing school, we spent a great deal of time talking about communication, scientifically, clinically, and socially. One piece of valuable information was there is a definite difference between the act of hearing and the act of listening. Simpy put: When you hear, you take in the words, but they are not interpreted to become information. When you listen, the words that you intake, convert to information that you interpret as valuable or useless.
How often do we just hear and never listen? How often do we take the time to look at the person who is talking to us without watching TV, eating a meal, or playing and/or working on the computer?
Take the time to give the person who is trying to communicate with you your full attention. Don't just hear the words..listen.
How often do we just hear and never listen? How often do we take the time to look at the person who is talking to us without watching TV, eating a meal, or playing and/or working on the computer?
Take the time to give the person who is trying to communicate with you your full attention. Don't just hear the words..listen.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Lesson 11: Reduce the Meat in the Sandwich
You might think I'm talking about dieting, but I'm actually referring to those of us in the sandwich generation, providing care to our aging parents, and still taking on the role of parents to your own children.
I've actually been a sandwich for a long time. My mom was sick when I was a teenager and continued to have health issues until her death when I was 35 years old. She was very dependent on others, psychologically more than physically, to meet her needs. Thirteen years after she died, my Dad needed physical help to meet his needs. I'm still in that role.
The good news is that our children are grown and independent, and come back for guidance, but no longer depend on us. The hard part is when children and parents are pushing and pulling from both ends and there you are in the middle - the meat piling higher and deeper.
The solution is to find ways to reduce the meat in the sandwich. Engage outside help where possible to provide respite for elderly parents. There are many volunteer organizations that provide food and services for minimal fees. Your role will change from caregiver to caretaker...the meat will shrink. Take advantage of offers from friends and family to help with your children. Pride doesn't shrink the meat.
Take care of yourself or you will have nothing to give to those who need you and they will "starve" for your attention.
I've actually been a sandwich for a long time. My mom was sick when I was a teenager and continued to have health issues until her death when I was 35 years old. She was very dependent on others, psychologically more than physically, to meet her needs. Thirteen years after she died, my Dad needed physical help to meet his needs. I'm still in that role.
The good news is that our children are grown and independent, and come back for guidance, but no longer depend on us. The hard part is when children and parents are pushing and pulling from both ends and there you are in the middle - the meat piling higher and deeper.
The solution is to find ways to reduce the meat in the sandwich. Engage outside help where possible to provide respite for elderly parents. There are many volunteer organizations that provide food and services for minimal fees. Your role will change from caregiver to caretaker...the meat will shrink. Take advantage of offers from friends and family to help with your children. Pride doesn't shrink the meat.
Take care of yourself or you will have nothing to give to those who need you and they will "starve" for your attention.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Lesson 10: Efficiency Eases the Morning Rush
I have always been an early riser, at least I thought I was, until I went to college, and learned the joys of partying. As a child, I would wake up at 5:30 AM, be at my best in the morning hours, and then go to bed by 8:30 or 9:00 each night. Getting less than 8 hours of sleep per night sent me into a circadian spin that took weeks to get back into rhythm.
Today, I get up before 6 AM for work, but I still live for the weekends, when I can lounge in bed until 10 or 11 AM and enjoy some of the dozing daydreams that make sleep so pleasant. To extend my sleep in the morning, I learned some tricks that may help you.
Set clothes out the night before. There is nothing more frustrating than being in a rush and having to coordinate clothes, particularly if it's dark and my Hubby is sleeping, and I don't want to turn on the light. That is why I try to pick out what I wear the night before. It makes it so much easier when I'm not functioning on all cylinders early in the day to walk out the door looking my best.
This is a MUST for children, particularly when they hit that stage when they get picky about what they wear. Let your child pick out their own clothes the night before. If they have a problem with making decisions, select two outfits and let them choose one. They will still feel independent while learning confidence in decision making.
Make lunches the night before. Immediately, after dinner, I would line up the lunch bags, and fill them in assembly-line fashion, labeling them with each of our names prior to lining them up. When completed, I stapled them and put them on the same shelf everyday and the children knew where to find them on their way out the door.
Hungry children early in the morning on a sleep-in day? Fill a bowl of dry cereal, cover with plastic wrap and put on the kitchen table along with a spoon. Using a creamer from your dishware, fill it up with enough milk and cover. There should be enough milk for your young child to use in his/her cereal, yet, the creamer should be light-enough to carry from the refrigerator to the table without spills. Add a box of raisins and you have a filling and healthy breakfast.
Routines, routines, routines... Humans function in rhythmic cycles. Routines are important from the first day of life. We know to function actively during the day and to rest and recoup that energy through sleep at night. Children who do best in school have routine life cycles. They rise and sleep at the same time each day. Their body craves energy through food at the same times each day.
We do an excellent job providing routines for our babies, but it seems to be a challenge as children get older. After all, working parents have to get chores done after work or late into the night and children often have to accompany them to do this. It what it is
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Lesson 9: Travel with your Children
I'll admit there were times when my children were young that I wished I could take my hubby away to a week of solitude, but as circumstances were, we had no one to help us out, so the first major trip we took alone was to celebrate our 30th anniversary.
Don't feel too sorry for us. We thoroughly enjoyed every family trip we took with our children. For years, it was to Ocean City, Maryland. My brother and his wife own a beautiful townhome right on the bay. The kids had their own room, and we had ours. There was plenty of space for all of us to have solitude if we wanted it. That week was sacred to us.
We had a routine. We'd arrive and purchase a week's worth of breakfast and lunch food, and we ate out every night to the usual haunts: JR's, Phillips, Alaska Stand (before they went out of business), and Dumser's every night for ice cream as well as dinner once or twice). During the day, we'd pack the car and go to the ocean side, usually on 87th street by the Antigua, and enjoy the sand and surf. My husband always suffered through it...not being a real fan of sand and real sand in his lunch, but he was a good sport, and enjoyed watching the children puttering in the sand and played with them in the ocean. After dinner, we'd go to the Boardwalk for the rides every night when the children were young, and as they got older, we did more miniature golf and movies. We enjoyed the smells and sounds of being at the ocean. The best times were those we spent on the backporch of the townhouse. We'd reminisce and plan and sometimes made up stories.
By the time I finished graduate school, we had missed 2 summers at the beach while I was completing my courses, and I decided we would take the family trip of a lifetime. The girls were 14 and 17 and we headed off to London for a week. To see the world through their eyes was enlightening and thorougly enjoyable. I'm sure we did many things we wouldn't have done on our own, and we adored every minute of it. Such wonderful memories and adventures. I'd repeat it in a minute.
Even today, I'm planning a week at the beach again. This time to actually stay, not just enjoy its beach during the day, at the Antigua - where we went a couple of years ago and enjoyed an oceanside condo for 4 days. There was no question that all of us want to be together to enjoy old memories and make new ones.
Don't feel too sorry for us. We thoroughly enjoyed every family trip we took with our children. For years, it was to Ocean City, Maryland. My brother and his wife own a beautiful townhome right on the bay. The kids had their own room, and we had ours. There was plenty of space for all of us to have solitude if we wanted it. That week was sacred to us.
We had a routine. We'd arrive and purchase a week's worth of breakfast and lunch food, and we ate out every night to the usual haunts: JR's, Phillips, Alaska Stand (before they went out of business), and Dumser's every night for ice cream as well as dinner once or twice). During the day, we'd pack the car and go to the ocean side, usually on 87th street by the Antigua, and enjoy the sand and surf. My husband always suffered through it...not being a real fan of sand and real sand in his lunch, but he was a good sport, and enjoyed watching the children puttering in the sand and played with them in the ocean. After dinner, we'd go to the Boardwalk for the rides every night when the children were young, and as they got older, we did more miniature golf and movies. We enjoyed the smells and sounds of being at the ocean. The best times were those we spent on the backporch of the townhouse. We'd reminisce and plan and sometimes made up stories.
By the time I finished graduate school, we had missed 2 summers at the beach while I was completing my courses, and I decided we would take the family trip of a lifetime. The girls were 14 and 17 and we headed off to London for a week. To see the world through their eyes was enlightening and thorougly enjoyable. I'm sure we did many things we wouldn't have done on our own, and we adored every minute of it. Such wonderful memories and adventures. I'd repeat it in a minute.
Even today, I'm planning a week at the beach again. This time to actually stay, not just enjoy its beach during the day, at the Antigua - where we went a couple of years ago and enjoyed an oceanside condo for 4 days. There was no question that all of us want to be together to enjoy old memories and make new ones.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Lesson 8: Know When to Be a Parent - Not a Friend
This is a tough one...how do you find the balance between friendship and parenthood? My point of view is that you never go into the parenting role planning to be friends with your child, or you'll lose sight of the importance of being a parent.
Children need boundaries and rules. It's the way we survive in a civilization. Otherwise, there is total anarchy and nothing gets accomplished. No one has a purpose, because there are no rules to live by or outcomes to desire.
Children need CONSISTENT boundaries and rules. I grew up with the "ask your mother" "ask your father" routine when I asked to do something. No one wanted to commit to an answer that the other parent might not like.
Both parents need to be on the same page, whether the other one agrees with the decision or not. The decision gets made, and both parents need to support that decision. Take it up with your partner after your child is out of the room, but be a cohesive unit in his/her presence. The benefit is that your child learns that parenting is shared. They learn the art of compromise while watching their parents make those decisions together. This lesson is invaluable for problem solving and working in groups in your child's future personal and professional life.
Once your child knows the rules and how it works, that the boundaries are clearly established, and they grow up to respect and anticipate your response, then you can finally be a friend as well.
Your thoughts?
Children need boundaries and rules. It's the way we survive in a civilization. Otherwise, there is total anarchy and nothing gets accomplished. No one has a purpose, because there are no rules to live by or outcomes to desire.
Children need CONSISTENT boundaries and rules. I grew up with the "ask your mother" "ask your father" routine when I asked to do something. No one wanted to commit to an answer that the other parent might not like.
Both parents need to be on the same page, whether the other one agrees with the decision or not. The decision gets made, and both parents need to support that decision. Take it up with your partner after your child is out of the room, but be a cohesive unit in his/her presence. The benefit is that your child learns that parenting is shared. They learn the art of compromise while watching their parents make those decisions together. This lesson is invaluable for problem solving and working in groups in your child's future personal and professional life.
Once your child knows the rules and how it works, that the boundaries are clearly established, and they grow up to respect and anticipate your response, then you can finally be a friend as well.
Your thoughts?
Friday, January 22, 2010
Lesson 7: Work to Live - NOT Live to Work
This one took me a long time to learn. When I came out of the gate from college, I was raring to take over the world. I had big dreams of professional success, prosperity, and life's perfection. I didn't just work, I WORKED! I always volunteered to do the extra tasks, thinking it would help me climb the ladder faster. All it did was give me more work on a regular basis.
Then, I started thinking of how I could give back to the world. As a nurse, I thought the fact I helped people was decent and pure, but there was so much more. So I had a vision of putting continuing education (a requirement for most nurses today) on the Internet, when the Internet was still DOS-based; there was no world wide web, and commerce was not in vogue. After a lot of effort in pounding pavements to sell my futuristic idea to nursing schools in order to give the project credibility and legs, I finally found some success with the University of Maryland. Describing it simplistically, it tested my meddle in regard to breaking the glass ceiling. All it did was give the University of Maryland credit as the first nursing school to provide CEUs online, and no one knows I was actually the brains behind the idea.
Still, I didn't let that experience stop me. I still had drive and determination. I felt the Internet was the future, and still do. We will eventually live in two worlds - bricks & mortar and the virtual world. I was one of the first people I knew to telecommute for work managing a large project for Microsoft - at the opposite end of the country. It was challenging, rewarding, and I loved it. In the end, the contract was over, Microsoft changed their direction, my work and home lives blended unexpectedly, and I gained 50 pounds.
However, I was now armed with a masters degree in information systems and nursing (aka nursing informatics) and great experience from a major player in the computer industry. I was also facing the challenge of adjusting back to a scheduled work life where I wasn't working 24 hours a day. It was difficult. In the end, I was bored at work, but I worked only 40 hours a week.
So, now I was missing the challenge and assumed an IT position at one of the world's most prestigious medical institutions. In addition, to taking on the role of 3-4 people, I was also carrying a pager, expected to add 12 hour shifts to my 40 hour week during implementation, and my creativity was totally stifled.
So where am I going with all of this? I am now 55 years old. In Fall 2008, I was diagnosed with breast cancer...luckily at a very early stage and have been successfully treated. The experience resulted in a personal review of my life - the achievements and the failures.
I realized I spent way too much time working for unappreciative people with goals that did not align with my own. I spent way too much time letting people take advantage of my giving nature. I lived to work.
Today, I am striving to work to live. To enjoy the hours after the work day ends. To remove the Blackberry and email from my life after closing time. It is a conundrum however. You see, I spent most of my life building my career. My credentials and skills set qualified me for responsible positions. Why would someone with all I have want to work in a job that does not reflect all I can do and can be? Employers just don't get it.
For you, my children, don't wait until age 55 to realize that life is for living. Work is the way to finance the things you really want to do. Work to live!
Your thoughts?
Then, I started thinking of how I could give back to the world. As a nurse, I thought the fact I helped people was decent and pure, but there was so much more. So I had a vision of putting continuing education (a requirement for most nurses today) on the Internet, when the Internet was still DOS-based; there was no world wide web, and commerce was not in vogue. After a lot of effort in pounding pavements to sell my futuristic idea to nursing schools in order to give the project credibility and legs, I finally found some success with the University of Maryland. Describing it simplistically, it tested my meddle in regard to breaking the glass ceiling. All it did was give the University of Maryland credit as the first nursing school to provide CEUs online, and no one knows I was actually the brains behind the idea.
Still, I didn't let that experience stop me. I still had drive and determination. I felt the Internet was the future, and still do. We will eventually live in two worlds - bricks & mortar and the virtual world. I was one of the first people I knew to telecommute for work managing a large project for Microsoft - at the opposite end of the country. It was challenging, rewarding, and I loved it. In the end, the contract was over, Microsoft changed their direction, my work and home lives blended unexpectedly, and I gained 50 pounds.
However, I was now armed with a masters degree in information systems and nursing (aka nursing informatics) and great experience from a major player in the computer industry. I was also facing the challenge of adjusting back to a scheduled work life where I wasn't working 24 hours a day. It was difficult. In the end, I was bored at work, but I worked only 40 hours a week.
So, now I was missing the challenge and assumed an IT position at one of the world's most prestigious medical institutions. In addition, to taking on the role of 3-4 people, I was also carrying a pager, expected to add 12 hour shifts to my 40 hour week during implementation, and my creativity was totally stifled.
So where am I going with all of this? I am now 55 years old. In Fall 2008, I was diagnosed with breast cancer...luckily at a very early stage and have been successfully treated. The experience resulted in a personal review of my life - the achievements and the failures.
I realized I spent way too much time working for unappreciative people with goals that did not align with my own. I spent way too much time letting people take advantage of my giving nature. I lived to work.
Today, I am striving to work to live. To enjoy the hours after the work day ends. To remove the Blackberry and email from my life after closing time. It is a conundrum however. You see, I spent most of my life building my career. My credentials and skills set qualified me for responsible positions. Why would someone with all I have want to work in a job that does not reflect all I can do and can be? Employers just don't get it.
For you, my children, don't wait until age 55 to realize that life is for living. Work is the way to finance the things you really want to do. Work to live!
Your thoughts?
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Lesson 6: Early Bedtime for Infants
Let's face it. Newborns and infants don't do too much but eat, sleep, and dirty diapers. The interaction between your child and yourself occurs each time you feed your baby, put him/her to sleep and change a diaper. So why do parents insist on keeping babies up all night?
I am amazed at the number of infants that I see out in public wide awake after 10 PM. The truth is that babies need schedules...consistent schedules for eating and sleeping. That consistency leads to consistent elimination habits as well. It also goes along with consistent decision making as parents. Consistency = success.
The advantages of an early bedtime schedule are numerous:
1. Allows time for attention to your other children.
2. Enables your child to sustain a steady circadian rhythm. This is priceless as the child gets older and prepares to start school. Realistically, how can you expect a child who is put to sleep at 11 PM to suddenly wake up at 6 AM to get ready for day care or school? Can you do that and be at your best?
3. For working parents, the time after work is sacred and good planning can make that time valuable and not feel like more work.
Your thoughts?
I am amazed at the number of infants that I see out in public wide awake after 10 PM. The truth is that babies need schedules...consistent schedules for eating and sleeping. That consistency leads to consistent elimination habits as well. It also goes along with consistent decision making as parents. Consistency = success.
The advantages of an early bedtime schedule are numerous:
1. Allows time for attention to your other children.
2. Enables your child to sustain a steady circadian rhythm. This is priceless as the child gets older and prepares to start school. Realistically, how can you expect a child who is put to sleep at 11 PM to suddenly wake up at 6 AM to get ready for day care or school? Can you do that and be at your best?
3. For working parents, the time after work is sacred and good planning can make that time valuable and not feel like more work.
Your thoughts?
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Lesson 5: Remain Neutral at all Costs
There is nothing worse than putting your two cents into other people's arguments. The best scenario is that your two cents is never "heard" and the people involved come to a consensus. The worst scenario is that your two cents is absorbed, misinterpreted, and now you not only become immersed in the argument, but you become the target of a new argument and the other people are now in cohoots against you!
This is particularly true when your children have issues with other children. Do not get involved. Kids tend to work it out between themselves very quickly. Meanwhile, you and the other parents are now locking horns with each other. In time, it's like the Hatfields and McCoys - no one knows how or why it started, but everyone keeps it going.
Your thoughts?
This is particularly true when your children have issues with other children. Do not get involved. Kids tend to work it out between themselves very quickly. Meanwhile, you and the other parents are now locking horns with each other. In time, it's like the Hatfields and McCoys - no one knows how or why it started, but everyone keeps it going.
Your thoughts?
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Lesson 3b: Letting Your Child Think They Have Control of You
When the children were young, we were bent on having them feel they could tell us anything - not hold in anger; not act out because of fear in telling us. Thus, the birth of the ten minute playtime.
What is the ten minute playtime? Every night before they went to bed, we allowed them to tell us what they wanted to do and with which parent. Don't worry - the activities centered around reading a story, playing a game with one parent or the entire family, reviewing the days activities, or having family meetings. And rarely was it only ten minutes..but that was the minimal time.
The children really looked forward to that time. It was great for their communication as they tried to determine what they wanted to do before bedtime. My personal favorite was when they called for a family meeting.
Imagine this...two little girls, 7 and 10, dressed in frilly pajamas, telling us what they felt was unfair and providing solutions. We used to call our youngest, Henrietta Kissinger, because she was always fighting for her big sister's rights to stay up later or watch a TV show; of course, planning her own future in the process.
It went basically like this. At dinner, which we always tried to eat together (a home-cooked meal), they would let us know their plans for bedtime. If it was a family meeting, the two girls would huddle together and sometimes write down their list of "complaints" and plan their case. Then all of us would go into hubby's study where hubby and I would sit on the couch, and then they would plead their case like future attorneys. After they made their statements, presented their case, and proposed solutions, we would talk about it until we gained a consensus. They asked for so little, it was usually a victory for them. But think about the skills they learned - debate, problem solving and compromise without yelling or screaming, only logic. Aside from all that, it was just plain fun. We always laughed together as a family.
So what was the outcome of all of this you might ask? I am delighted to say that we never had one ounce of trouble from either of them. They always felt and still feel comfortable saying what is on their minds. If they think that we will be upset, they preface their conversations with "you may be mad or upset but...". It gives us a chance to brace ourselves so we don't respond emotionally. We never let anger linger between any of us. It's a wonderful sense of freedom that neither my hubby nor myself ever enjoyed.
Since the girls were always the examples for their friends, their friends' parents would say, "If Rachel and Carol can do it, then you can do it." Funny thing though, the girls tells us that everyone thought we were the strictest parents, but in truth, we were the most lenient, with the least rules. Per our children, there was no need to act out against us, because we always provided enough rope.
Let's face it, the reality is that you do your best to teach your children. No one gives you a rule book for making decent productive loving children. It takes a lot of patience, love, and forgiveness for yourself as well as them. And even then, you can't guarantee success.
Now that they are adults and living away from home, it's a joy to know that they enjoy coming home to visit and spending time with us. That's all we ever really wanted. We feel blessed.
What is the ten minute playtime? Every night before they went to bed, we allowed them to tell us what they wanted to do and with which parent. Don't worry - the activities centered around reading a story, playing a game with one parent or the entire family, reviewing the days activities, or having family meetings. And rarely was it only ten minutes..but that was the minimal time.
The children really looked forward to that time. It was great for their communication as they tried to determine what they wanted to do before bedtime. My personal favorite was when they called for a family meeting.
Imagine this...two little girls, 7 and 10, dressed in frilly pajamas, telling us what they felt was unfair and providing solutions. We used to call our youngest, Henrietta Kissinger, because she was always fighting for her big sister's rights to stay up later or watch a TV show; of course, planning her own future in the process.
It went basically like this. At dinner, which we always tried to eat together (a home-cooked meal), they would let us know their plans for bedtime. If it was a family meeting, the two girls would huddle together and sometimes write down their list of "complaints" and plan their case. Then all of us would go into hubby's study where hubby and I would sit on the couch, and then they would plead their case like future attorneys. After they made their statements, presented their case, and proposed solutions, we would talk about it until we gained a consensus. They asked for so little, it was usually a victory for them. But think about the skills they learned - debate, problem solving and compromise without yelling or screaming, only logic. Aside from all that, it was just plain fun. We always laughed together as a family.
So what was the outcome of all of this you might ask? I am delighted to say that we never had one ounce of trouble from either of them. They always felt and still feel comfortable saying what is on their minds. If they think that we will be upset, they preface their conversations with "you may be mad or upset but...". It gives us a chance to brace ourselves so we don't respond emotionally. We never let anger linger between any of us. It's a wonderful sense of freedom that neither my hubby nor myself ever enjoyed.
Since the girls were always the examples for their friends, their friends' parents would say, "If Rachel and Carol can do it, then you can do it." Funny thing though, the girls tells us that everyone thought we were the strictest parents, but in truth, we were the most lenient, with the least rules. Per our children, there was no need to act out against us, because we always provided enough rope.
Let's face it, the reality is that you do your best to teach your children. No one gives you a rule book for making decent productive loving children. It takes a lot of patience, love, and forgiveness for yourself as well as them. And even then, you can't guarantee success.
Now that they are adults and living away from home, it's a joy to know that they enjoy coming home to visit and spending time with us. That's all we ever really wanted. We feel blessed.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Lesson 3a: The Time-Out Chair
When hubby and I first discussed having children a couple of years after we were married, we were determined to raise our children differently than our parents. We did not believe in spanking children. We did not want to shield them from the truth. We wanted them to feel that they could tell us anything without fear. Most importantly, we wanted to be consistent with our decisions.
My parents believed in spanking children with a wooden board titled, "Heat for the Seat" with a comical fella with a smarting tush as decoration. When I was young, I would see that come out of the drawer and ran to my room and locked the door. I always pushed the envelope.
In lieu of spanking, the time-out chair worked wonders. In fact, I took delight in tossing the paddle in the trash in front of my Dad when he handed it down to me to use on my children.
To use the time-out chair technique, all we needed was an old-fashioned kitchen timer and a chair within our view. Our youngest, Rachel, spent so many minutes on the designated chair that after a year of using this technique, we'd give her the look and she'd walk to the chair on her own.
How does the time-out chair work?
1. Provide one warning that if the negative behavior continued, the child will go to the timeout chair for 3 minutes.
2. Once the child is in the chair, set the timer, within his/her site, for 3 minutes.
3. The child has to maintain contact with the chair. I can tell you that Rachel spent a lot of time standing next to the chair with her finger touching its arm; after all, a finger on a chair is contact. She maintained her control while we had the ultimate control - a win-win for all of us.
4. If the child loses contact with the chair, the time gets reset for three more minutes plus the remaining minutes of the original three minutes. Rachel was exceptionally skilled at racking up the minutes.
My parents believed in spanking children with a wooden board titled, "Heat for the Seat" with a comical fella with a smarting tush as decoration. When I was young, I would see that come out of the drawer and ran to my room and locked the door. I always pushed the envelope.
In lieu of spanking, the time-out chair worked wonders. In fact, I took delight in tossing the paddle in the trash in front of my Dad when he handed it down to me to use on my children.
To use the time-out chair technique, all we needed was an old-fashioned kitchen timer and a chair within our view. Our youngest, Rachel, spent so many minutes on the designated chair that after a year of using this technique, we'd give her the look and she'd walk to the chair on her own.
How does the time-out chair work?
1. Provide one warning that if the negative behavior continued, the child will go to the timeout chair for 3 minutes.
2. Once the child is in the chair, set the timer, within his/her site, for 3 minutes.
3. The child has to maintain contact with the chair. I can tell you that Rachel spent a lot of time standing next to the chair with her finger touching its arm; after all, a finger on a chair is contact. She maintained her control while we had the ultimate control - a win-win for all of us.
4. If the child loses contact with the chair, the time gets reset for three more minutes plus the remaining minutes of the original three minutes. Rachel was exceptionally skilled at racking up the minutes.
Lesson 2: In the Corporate World, Stuff Them with Candy
Ever wonder how you attract the attention of the big decision makers in the Corporate world? Put a dish of candy on your desk - chocolate, peppermints, sourballs - enough variety to please everyone.
The candy dish is the alternate "watercooler". It is amazing what you learn while a higher up is munching on a Hershey bar loaded with nuts, totally immersed in the power of chocolate.
The candy dish also works for getting attention and encouraging people performance. For example, you can't get a person to a meeting? Bribe them with candy. Take note of what candy is his/her favorite and make sure to stock your jar with it. You'll find it won't be so hard to get them to attend the next meeting. Of course, adding a thank you for attending is helpful too!
I know you're probably saying, "Feed them." This is also true, but candy gives you a better ROI (return on investment).
The candy dish is the alternate "watercooler". It is amazing what you learn while a higher up is munching on a Hershey bar loaded with nuts, totally immersed in the power of chocolate.
The candy dish also works for getting attention and encouraging people performance. For example, you can't get a person to a meeting? Bribe them with candy. Take note of what candy is his/her favorite and make sure to stock your jar with it. You'll find it won't be so hard to get them to attend the next meeting. Of course, adding a thank you for attending is helpful too!
I know you're probably saying, "Feed them." This is also true, but candy gives you a better ROI (return on investment).
Lesson 4: Sleepover Camp - A Resounding YES!
There are obviously two points of view on whether it is a good thing to send your child to sleepover camp. I spent every EIGHT weeks away every summer from age 10 - 16. Mom and Dad would visit one day at the end of week four, but I loved every minute of my summers, and cried when it was time to go home at the end. I really missed my camp friends who became my family every summer. It was so much fun to grow up together and share everything that happened in the 10 months we were away from each other. Of course, this is NOT exactly what parents want to hear, but there are so many advantages for going to camp:
1. It gives children AND parents a vacation from one another. As much as we love each other, it never hurts to have some safe distance to rest and reflect objectively and recharge those batteries.
2. Children learn to be independent. They make their own beds, manage their own activities within the schedule they are provided, and resolve their problems without parental advice. This is invaluable.
3. Children learn group dynamics early in life - the art of compromise, problem solving, effective communication, change management, leadership, scapegoating, whistle blowing, etc. It is their first MBA course, but they have the joy of living it instead of reading about it; also, invaluable.
4. Lifelong friendships evolve from camp experiences. In the course of two months, many experiences and emotions are shared between your new camp family. Most of this takes place during a child's adolescence - not an easy time, but the comfort of close friends to provide support is also invaluable. Today, I talk to many of my camp friends from 40 years ago on Facebook, always with a warm feeling for all the wonderful memories we have shared.
5. Camps provide a safe and monitored environment to experience the first four advantages.
So what are the disadvantages of summer camp?
1. The cost can be prohibitive although many camps provide scholarships or work programs where parents can work at the camp in exchange for a child to attend the camp (e.g., camp nurse, camp counselor, office staff).
2. Children and parents can genuinely miss each other. I must say that I was not an advocate of 8 week camp for my daughters. We are a close family, and I wanted to have some of that free summer time to go to the beach together and do other fun activities before school started. As a result, four weeks felt right, but some camps offer 2 week programs as well.
3. Parents, who like to hover, will find it difficult not to verbally communicate with their children on a daily basis. I'm sure that eventually, children will be allowed to have cell phones at camp, but for now...the decreased communication is essential to get the benefits out of camp.
4. Children may be exposed to other children who are deemed less than desirable friends for your children. You have to rely on the fact that your child has the common sense to avoid negative influences.
So what would you do and why?
1. It gives children AND parents a vacation from one another. As much as we love each other, it never hurts to have some safe distance to rest and reflect objectively and recharge those batteries.
2. Children learn to be independent. They make their own beds, manage their own activities within the schedule they are provided, and resolve their problems without parental advice. This is invaluable.
3. Children learn group dynamics early in life - the art of compromise, problem solving, effective communication, change management, leadership, scapegoating, whistle blowing, etc. It is their first MBA course, but they have the joy of living it instead of reading about it; also, invaluable.
4. Lifelong friendships evolve from camp experiences. In the course of two months, many experiences and emotions are shared between your new camp family. Most of this takes place during a child's adolescence - not an easy time, but the comfort of close friends to provide support is also invaluable. Today, I talk to many of my camp friends from 40 years ago on Facebook, always with a warm feeling for all the wonderful memories we have shared.
5. Camps provide a safe and monitored environment to experience the first four advantages.
So what are the disadvantages of summer camp?
1. The cost can be prohibitive although many camps provide scholarships or work programs where parents can work at the camp in exchange for a child to attend the camp (e.g., camp nurse, camp counselor, office staff).
2. Children and parents can genuinely miss each other. I must say that I was not an advocate of 8 week camp for my daughters. We are a close family, and I wanted to have some of that free summer time to go to the beach together and do other fun activities before school started. As a result, four weeks felt right, but some camps offer 2 week programs as well.
3. Parents, who like to hover, will find it difficult not to verbally communicate with their children on a daily basis. I'm sure that eventually, children will be allowed to have cell phones at camp, but for now...the decreased communication is essential to get the benefits out of camp.
4. Children may be exposed to other children who are deemed less than desirable friends for your children. You have to rely on the fact that your child has the common sense to avoid negative influences.
So what would you do and why?
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