Lesson 15: Lead by Example

It is very hypocritical to ask your children to do the very things that you do not do. For example, if you do not share, how do your children learn to share? If you do not take responsiblity, how do your children learn to take responsibility? If you do not live your life with a sense of morality and ethics, how do you expect your children to learn how to live civilly in our society?

Research shows that some children, despite abuse and parents who repeatedly break the law, are hearty and resilient and somehow become productive members of society. However, not everyone is inherently strong enough to do that. There are more followers than leaders. And, as we have learned through history, not all leaders have good intentions in their hearts.

Is it a given, your children will do the "right" things just because you do? Of course not, but you have a better chance because you have led by example. Visiting the elderly, participating in community projects, showing compassion to those who have less than you are all good ways to show your child that part of our responsibility is to help others.

If we have what we need, and most of what we want, is it not the right thing to share with others less fortunate? It does not always have to be monetary. Your time, your muscle (as in physical assistance) and your "ear" (as in a visit) are all valuable gifts. Pay it forward. It pays dividends.

Lesson 14: Love Your Siblings

When I was in my youth, Ann Landers wrote a daily column for the Baltimore Sunpaper. Her column served as a predecessor to the advice talk shows of today. Readers would mail in questions, and Ann, in her infinite common sense wisdom, would provide an answer that became the rule in many households. She was blessed to have a twin sister, also know as Dear Abby, because she too had an advice column in a competing newspaper chain.

Around the time I became an adolescent, she wrote a poignant column about loving your siblings. A reader wrote to her very angry about her sibling's behavior. She wanted Ann to agree with her that she should walk away from the relationship and not look back.

It was Ann's response that I remember to this day, and of which, I have reminded my daughters throughout their lives whenever I have sensed a rift in their relationship.
Simply put, Ann reminded the reader that she was fortunate to have a sister, and that no matter where life takes her and no matter what happens to her, her sister will always be there and they will always share a special bond that no one else can break.

As I age, I appreciate that more than ever. I see my 84 year old dad and 95 year old father in law live in isolation as friends die, their physical limitations increase, and the will to discover wanes. At the end, all you have is your family. So sow the seeds of your sibling relationships. Never let a disagreement go unresolved. Remember to tell each other "I love you."

Lesson 13: You are Only as Happy as Your Saddest Child

I owe this one to my friend, Fran. Years ago, when the children were young, and it was one of those days, she shared this tidbit of wisdom with me. I never forgot it and share it with other parents.

For those of you who are already parents, think back to moments in time when one of your children was struggling for whatever reason. You probably remember it being a particularly stressful time, despite all the other good things in your life.

Another fact: As your children age, the cause of sadness is generally more serious, and harder to resolve. It is probably one of the toughest tasks of parenthood, but also proof that there is a permanent tether between you and your children. We can't always kiss it and make it better, but we can support our child and let him/her know we care.

Lesson 12: Learn to Listen

When I was in nursing school, we spent a great deal of time talking about communication, scientifically, clinically, and socially. One piece of valuable information was there is a definite difference between the act of hearing and the act of listening. Simpy put: When you hear, you take in the words, but they are not interpreted to become information. When you listen, the words that you intake, convert to information that you interpret as valuable or useless.

How often do we just hear and never listen? How often do we take the time to look at the person who is talking to us without watching TV, eating a meal, or playing and/or working on the computer?

Take the time to give the person who is trying to communicate with you your full attention. Don't just hear the words..listen.

Lesson 11: Reduce the Meat in the Sandwich

You might think I'm talking about dieting, but I'm actually referring to those of us in the sandwich generation, providing care to our aging parents, and still taking on the role of parents to your own children.

I've actually been a sandwich for a long time. My mom was sick when I was a teenager and continued to have health issues until her death when I was 35 years old. She was very dependent on others, psychologically more than physically, to meet her needs. Thirteen years after she died, my Dad needed physical help to meet his needs. I'm still in that role.

The good news is that our children are grown and independent, and come back for guidance, but no longer depend on us. The hard part is when children and parents are pushing and pulling from both ends and there you are in the middle - the meat piling higher and deeper.

The solution is to find ways to reduce the meat in the sandwich. Engage outside help where possible to provide respite for elderly parents. There are many volunteer organizations that provide food and services for minimal fees. Your role will change from caregiver to caretaker...the meat will shrink. Take advantage of offers from friends and family to help with your children. Pride doesn't shrink the meat.

Take care of yourself or you will have nothing to give to those who need you and they will "starve" for your attention.

Lesson 10: Efficiency Eases the Morning Rush

I have always been an early riser, at least I thought I was, until I went to college, and learned the joys of partying. As a child, I would wake up at 5:30 AM, be at my best in the morning hours, and then go to bed by 8:30 or 9:00 each night. Getting less than 8 hours of sleep per night sent me into a circadian spin that took weeks to get back into rhythm.

Today, I get up before 6 AM for work, but I still live for the weekends, when I can lounge in bed until 10 or 11 AM and enjoy some of the dozing daydreams that make sleep so pleasant. To extend my sleep in the morning, I learned some tricks that may help you.

Set clothes out the night before. There is nothing more frustrating than being in a rush and having to coordinate clothes, particularly if it's dark and my Hubby is sleeping, and I don't want to turn on the light. That is why I try to pick out what I wear the night before. It makes it so much easier when I'm not functioning on all cylinders early in the day to walk out the door looking my best.

This is a MUST for children, particularly when they hit that stage when they get picky about what they wear. Let your child pick out their own clothes the night before. If they have a problem with making decisions, select two outfits and let them choose one. They will still feel independent while learning confidence in decision making.

Make lunches the night before. Immediately, after dinner, I would line up the lunch bags, and fill them in assembly-line fashion, labeling them with each of our names prior to lining them up. When completed, I stapled them and put them on the same shelf everyday and the children knew where to find them on their way out the door.

Hungry children early in the morning on a sleep-in day? Fill a bowl of dry cereal, cover with plastic wrap and put on the kitchen table along with a spoon. Using a creamer from your dishware, fill it up with enough milk and cover. There should be enough milk for your young child to use in his/her cereal, yet, the creamer should be light-enough to carry from the refrigerator to the table without spills. Add a box of raisins and you have a filling and healthy breakfast.

Routines, routines, routines... Humans function in rhythmic cycles. Routines are important from the first day of life. We know to function actively during the day and to rest and recoup that energy through sleep at night. Children who do best in school have routine life cycles. They rise and sleep at the same time each day. Their body craves energy through food at the same times each day.

We do an excellent job providing routines for our babies, but it seems to be a challenge as children get older. After all, working parents have to get chores done after work or late into the night and children often have to accompany them to do this. It what it is

Lesson 9: Travel with your Children

I'll admit there were times when my children were young that I wished I could take my hubby away to a week of solitude, but as circumstances were, we had no one to help us out, so the first major trip we took alone was to celebrate our 30th anniversary.

Don't feel too sorry for us. We thoroughly enjoyed every family trip we took with our children. For years, it was to Ocean City, Maryland. My brother and his wife own a beautiful townhome right on the bay. The kids had their own room, and we had ours. There was plenty of space for all of us to have solitude if we wanted it. That week was sacred to us.

We had a routine. We'd arrive and purchase a week's worth of breakfast and lunch food, and we ate out every night to the usual haunts: JR's, Phillips, Alaska Stand (before they went out of business), and Dumser's every night for ice cream as well as dinner once or twice). During the day, we'd pack the car and go to the ocean side, usually on 87th street by the Antigua, and enjoy the sand and surf. My husband always suffered through it...not being a real fan of sand and real sand in his lunch, but he was a good sport, and enjoyed watching the children puttering in the sand and played with them in the ocean. After dinner, we'd go to the Boardwalk for the rides every night when the children were young, and as they got older, we did more miniature golf and movies. We enjoyed the smells and sounds of being at the ocean. The best times were those we spent on the backporch of the townhouse. We'd reminisce and plan and sometimes made up stories.

By the time I finished graduate school, we had missed 2 summers at the beach while I was completing my courses, and I decided we would take the family trip of a lifetime. The girls were 14 and 17 and we headed off to London for a week. To see the world through their eyes was enlightening and thorougly enjoyable. I'm sure we did many things we wouldn't have done on our own, and we adored every minute of it. Such wonderful memories and adventures. I'd repeat it in a minute.

Even today, I'm planning a week at the beach again. This time to actually stay, not just enjoy its beach during the day, at the Antigua - where we went a couple of years ago and enjoyed an oceanside condo for 4 days. There was no question that all of us want to be together to enjoy old memories and make new ones.