When I was in nursing school, we spent a great deal of time talking about communication, scientifically, clinically, and socially. One piece of valuable information was there is a definite difference between the act of hearing and the act of listening. Simpy put: When you hear, you take in the words, but they are not interpreted to become information. When you listen, the words that you intake, convert to information that you interpret as valuable or useless.
How often do we just hear and never listen? How often do we take the time to look at the person who is talking to us without watching TV, eating a meal, or playing and/or working on the computer?
Take the time to give the person who is trying to communicate with you your full attention. Don't just hear the words..listen.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Lesson 11: Reduce the Meat in the Sandwich
You might think I'm talking about dieting, but I'm actually referring to those of us in the sandwich generation, providing care to our aging parents, and still taking on the role of parents to your own children.
I've actually been a sandwich for a long time. My mom was sick when I was a teenager and continued to have health issues until her death when I was 35 years old. She was very dependent on others, psychologically more than physically, to meet her needs. Thirteen years after she died, my Dad needed physical help to meet his needs. I'm still in that role.
The good news is that our children are grown and independent, and come back for guidance, but no longer depend on us. The hard part is when children and parents are pushing and pulling from both ends and there you are in the middle - the meat piling higher and deeper.
The solution is to find ways to reduce the meat in the sandwich. Engage outside help where possible to provide respite for elderly parents. There are many volunteer organizations that provide food and services for minimal fees. Your role will change from caregiver to caretaker...the meat will shrink. Take advantage of offers from friends and family to help with your children. Pride doesn't shrink the meat.
Take care of yourself or you will have nothing to give to those who need you and they will "starve" for your attention.
I've actually been a sandwich for a long time. My mom was sick when I was a teenager and continued to have health issues until her death when I was 35 years old. She was very dependent on others, psychologically more than physically, to meet her needs. Thirteen years after she died, my Dad needed physical help to meet his needs. I'm still in that role.
The good news is that our children are grown and independent, and come back for guidance, but no longer depend on us. The hard part is when children and parents are pushing and pulling from both ends and there you are in the middle - the meat piling higher and deeper.
The solution is to find ways to reduce the meat in the sandwich. Engage outside help where possible to provide respite for elderly parents. There are many volunteer organizations that provide food and services for minimal fees. Your role will change from caregiver to caretaker...the meat will shrink. Take advantage of offers from friends and family to help with your children. Pride doesn't shrink the meat.
Take care of yourself or you will have nothing to give to those who need you and they will "starve" for your attention.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Lesson 10: Efficiency Eases the Morning Rush
I have always been an early riser, at least I thought I was, until I went to college, and learned the joys of partying. As a child, I would wake up at 5:30 AM, be at my best in the morning hours, and then go to bed by 8:30 or 9:00 each night. Getting less than 8 hours of sleep per night sent me into a circadian spin that took weeks to get back into rhythm.
Today, I get up before 6 AM for work, but I still live for the weekends, when I can lounge in bed until 10 or 11 AM and enjoy some of the dozing daydreams that make sleep so pleasant. To extend my sleep in the morning, I learned some tricks that may help you.
Set clothes out the night before. There is nothing more frustrating than being in a rush and having to coordinate clothes, particularly if it's dark and my Hubby is sleeping, and I don't want to turn on the light. That is why I try to pick out what I wear the night before. It makes it so much easier when I'm not functioning on all cylinders early in the day to walk out the door looking my best.
This is a MUST for children, particularly when they hit that stage when they get picky about what they wear. Let your child pick out their own clothes the night before. If they have a problem with making decisions, select two outfits and let them choose one. They will still feel independent while learning confidence in decision making.
Make lunches the night before. Immediately, after dinner, I would line up the lunch bags, and fill them in assembly-line fashion, labeling them with each of our names prior to lining them up. When completed, I stapled them and put them on the same shelf everyday and the children knew where to find them on their way out the door.
Hungry children early in the morning on a sleep-in day? Fill a bowl of dry cereal, cover with plastic wrap and put on the kitchen table along with a spoon. Using a creamer from your dishware, fill it up with enough milk and cover. There should be enough milk for your young child to use in his/her cereal, yet, the creamer should be light-enough to carry from the refrigerator to the table without spills. Add a box of raisins and you have a filling and healthy breakfast.
Routines, routines, routines... Humans function in rhythmic cycles. Routines are important from the first day of life. We know to function actively during the day and to rest and recoup that energy through sleep at night. Children who do best in school have routine life cycles. They rise and sleep at the same time each day. Their body craves energy through food at the same times each day.
We do an excellent job providing routines for our babies, but it seems to be a challenge as children get older. After all, working parents have to get chores done after work or late into the night and children often have to accompany them to do this. It what it is
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Lesson 9: Travel with your Children
I'll admit there were times when my children were young that I wished I could take my hubby away to a week of solitude, but as circumstances were, we had no one to help us out, so the first major trip we took alone was to celebrate our 30th anniversary.
Don't feel too sorry for us. We thoroughly enjoyed every family trip we took with our children. For years, it was to Ocean City, Maryland. My brother and his wife own a beautiful townhome right on the bay. The kids had their own room, and we had ours. There was plenty of space for all of us to have solitude if we wanted it. That week was sacred to us.
We had a routine. We'd arrive and purchase a week's worth of breakfast and lunch food, and we ate out every night to the usual haunts: JR's, Phillips, Alaska Stand (before they went out of business), and Dumser's every night for ice cream as well as dinner once or twice). During the day, we'd pack the car and go to the ocean side, usually on 87th street by the Antigua, and enjoy the sand and surf. My husband always suffered through it...not being a real fan of sand and real sand in his lunch, but he was a good sport, and enjoyed watching the children puttering in the sand and played with them in the ocean. After dinner, we'd go to the Boardwalk for the rides every night when the children were young, and as they got older, we did more miniature golf and movies. We enjoyed the smells and sounds of being at the ocean. The best times were those we spent on the backporch of the townhouse. We'd reminisce and plan and sometimes made up stories.
By the time I finished graduate school, we had missed 2 summers at the beach while I was completing my courses, and I decided we would take the family trip of a lifetime. The girls were 14 and 17 and we headed off to London for a week. To see the world through their eyes was enlightening and thorougly enjoyable. I'm sure we did many things we wouldn't have done on our own, and we adored every minute of it. Such wonderful memories and adventures. I'd repeat it in a minute.
Even today, I'm planning a week at the beach again. This time to actually stay, not just enjoy its beach during the day, at the Antigua - where we went a couple of years ago and enjoyed an oceanside condo for 4 days. There was no question that all of us want to be together to enjoy old memories and make new ones.
Don't feel too sorry for us. We thoroughly enjoyed every family trip we took with our children. For years, it was to Ocean City, Maryland. My brother and his wife own a beautiful townhome right on the bay. The kids had their own room, and we had ours. There was plenty of space for all of us to have solitude if we wanted it. That week was sacred to us.
We had a routine. We'd arrive and purchase a week's worth of breakfast and lunch food, and we ate out every night to the usual haunts: JR's, Phillips, Alaska Stand (before they went out of business), and Dumser's every night for ice cream as well as dinner once or twice). During the day, we'd pack the car and go to the ocean side, usually on 87th street by the Antigua, and enjoy the sand and surf. My husband always suffered through it...not being a real fan of sand and real sand in his lunch, but he was a good sport, and enjoyed watching the children puttering in the sand and played with them in the ocean. After dinner, we'd go to the Boardwalk for the rides every night when the children were young, and as they got older, we did more miniature golf and movies. We enjoyed the smells and sounds of being at the ocean. The best times were those we spent on the backporch of the townhouse. We'd reminisce and plan and sometimes made up stories.
By the time I finished graduate school, we had missed 2 summers at the beach while I was completing my courses, and I decided we would take the family trip of a lifetime. The girls were 14 and 17 and we headed off to London for a week. To see the world through their eyes was enlightening and thorougly enjoyable. I'm sure we did many things we wouldn't have done on our own, and we adored every minute of it. Such wonderful memories and adventures. I'd repeat it in a minute.
Even today, I'm planning a week at the beach again. This time to actually stay, not just enjoy its beach during the day, at the Antigua - where we went a couple of years ago and enjoyed an oceanside condo for 4 days. There was no question that all of us want to be together to enjoy old memories and make new ones.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Lesson 8: Know When to Be a Parent - Not a Friend
This is a tough one...how do you find the balance between friendship and parenthood? My point of view is that you never go into the parenting role planning to be friends with your child, or you'll lose sight of the importance of being a parent.
Children need boundaries and rules. It's the way we survive in a civilization. Otherwise, there is total anarchy and nothing gets accomplished. No one has a purpose, because there are no rules to live by or outcomes to desire.
Children need CONSISTENT boundaries and rules. I grew up with the "ask your mother" "ask your father" routine when I asked to do something. No one wanted to commit to an answer that the other parent might not like.
Both parents need to be on the same page, whether the other one agrees with the decision or not. The decision gets made, and both parents need to support that decision. Take it up with your partner after your child is out of the room, but be a cohesive unit in his/her presence. The benefit is that your child learns that parenting is shared. They learn the art of compromise while watching their parents make those decisions together. This lesson is invaluable for problem solving and working in groups in your child's future personal and professional life.
Once your child knows the rules and how it works, that the boundaries are clearly established, and they grow up to respect and anticipate your response, then you can finally be a friend as well.
Your thoughts?
Children need boundaries and rules. It's the way we survive in a civilization. Otherwise, there is total anarchy and nothing gets accomplished. No one has a purpose, because there are no rules to live by or outcomes to desire.
Children need CONSISTENT boundaries and rules. I grew up with the "ask your mother" "ask your father" routine when I asked to do something. No one wanted to commit to an answer that the other parent might not like.
Both parents need to be on the same page, whether the other one agrees with the decision or not. The decision gets made, and both parents need to support that decision. Take it up with your partner after your child is out of the room, but be a cohesive unit in his/her presence. The benefit is that your child learns that parenting is shared. They learn the art of compromise while watching their parents make those decisions together. This lesson is invaluable for problem solving and working in groups in your child's future personal and professional life.
Once your child knows the rules and how it works, that the boundaries are clearly established, and they grow up to respect and anticipate your response, then you can finally be a friend as well.
Your thoughts?
Friday, January 22, 2010
Lesson 7: Work to Live - NOT Live to Work
This one took me a long time to learn. When I came out of the gate from college, I was raring to take over the world. I had big dreams of professional success, prosperity, and life's perfection. I didn't just work, I WORKED! I always volunteered to do the extra tasks, thinking it would help me climb the ladder faster. All it did was give me more work on a regular basis.
Then, I started thinking of how I could give back to the world. As a nurse, I thought the fact I helped people was decent and pure, but there was so much more. So I had a vision of putting continuing education (a requirement for most nurses today) on the Internet, when the Internet was still DOS-based; there was no world wide web, and commerce was not in vogue. After a lot of effort in pounding pavements to sell my futuristic idea to nursing schools in order to give the project credibility and legs, I finally found some success with the University of Maryland. Describing it simplistically, it tested my meddle in regard to breaking the glass ceiling. All it did was give the University of Maryland credit as the first nursing school to provide CEUs online, and no one knows I was actually the brains behind the idea.
Still, I didn't let that experience stop me. I still had drive and determination. I felt the Internet was the future, and still do. We will eventually live in two worlds - bricks & mortar and the virtual world. I was one of the first people I knew to telecommute for work managing a large project for Microsoft - at the opposite end of the country. It was challenging, rewarding, and I loved it. In the end, the contract was over, Microsoft changed their direction, my work and home lives blended unexpectedly, and I gained 50 pounds.
However, I was now armed with a masters degree in information systems and nursing (aka nursing informatics) and great experience from a major player in the computer industry. I was also facing the challenge of adjusting back to a scheduled work life where I wasn't working 24 hours a day. It was difficult. In the end, I was bored at work, but I worked only 40 hours a week.
So, now I was missing the challenge and assumed an IT position at one of the world's most prestigious medical institutions. In addition, to taking on the role of 3-4 people, I was also carrying a pager, expected to add 12 hour shifts to my 40 hour week during implementation, and my creativity was totally stifled.
So where am I going with all of this? I am now 55 years old. In Fall 2008, I was diagnosed with breast cancer...luckily at a very early stage and have been successfully treated. The experience resulted in a personal review of my life - the achievements and the failures.
I realized I spent way too much time working for unappreciative people with goals that did not align with my own. I spent way too much time letting people take advantage of my giving nature. I lived to work.
Today, I am striving to work to live. To enjoy the hours after the work day ends. To remove the Blackberry and email from my life after closing time. It is a conundrum however. You see, I spent most of my life building my career. My credentials and skills set qualified me for responsible positions. Why would someone with all I have want to work in a job that does not reflect all I can do and can be? Employers just don't get it.
For you, my children, don't wait until age 55 to realize that life is for living. Work is the way to finance the things you really want to do. Work to live!
Your thoughts?
Then, I started thinking of how I could give back to the world. As a nurse, I thought the fact I helped people was decent and pure, but there was so much more. So I had a vision of putting continuing education (a requirement for most nurses today) on the Internet, when the Internet was still DOS-based; there was no world wide web, and commerce was not in vogue. After a lot of effort in pounding pavements to sell my futuristic idea to nursing schools in order to give the project credibility and legs, I finally found some success with the University of Maryland. Describing it simplistically, it tested my meddle in regard to breaking the glass ceiling. All it did was give the University of Maryland credit as the first nursing school to provide CEUs online, and no one knows I was actually the brains behind the idea.
Still, I didn't let that experience stop me. I still had drive and determination. I felt the Internet was the future, and still do. We will eventually live in two worlds - bricks & mortar and the virtual world. I was one of the first people I knew to telecommute for work managing a large project for Microsoft - at the opposite end of the country. It was challenging, rewarding, and I loved it. In the end, the contract was over, Microsoft changed their direction, my work and home lives blended unexpectedly, and I gained 50 pounds.
However, I was now armed with a masters degree in information systems and nursing (aka nursing informatics) and great experience from a major player in the computer industry. I was also facing the challenge of adjusting back to a scheduled work life where I wasn't working 24 hours a day. It was difficult. In the end, I was bored at work, but I worked only 40 hours a week.
So, now I was missing the challenge and assumed an IT position at one of the world's most prestigious medical institutions. In addition, to taking on the role of 3-4 people, I was also carrying a pager, expected to add 12 hour shifts to my 40 hour week during implementation, and my creativity was totally stifled.
So where am I going with all of this? I am now 55 years old. In Fall 2008, I was diagnosed with breast cancer...luckily at a very early stage and have been successfully treated. The experience resulted in a personal review of my life - the achievements and the failures.
I realized I spent way too much time working for unappreciative people with goals that did not align with my own. I spent way too much time letting people take advantage of my giving nature. I lived to work.
Today, I am striving to work to live. To enjoy the hours after the work day ends. To remove the Blackberry and email from my life after closing time. It is a conundrum however. You see, I spent most of my life building my career. My credentials and skills set qualified me for responsible positions. Why would someone with all I have want to work in a job that does not reflect all I can do and can be? Employers just don't get it.
For you, my children, don't wait until age 55 to realize that life is for living. Work is the way to finance the things you really want to do. Work to live!
Your thoughts?
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Lesson 6: Early Bedtime for Infants
Let's face it. Newborns and infants don't do too much but eat, sleep, and dirty diapers. The interaction between your child and yourself occurs each time you feed your baby, put him/her to sleep and change a diaper. So why do parents insist on keeping babies up all night?
I am amazed at the number of infants that I see out in public wide awake after 10 PM. The truth is that babies need schedules...consistent schedules for eating and sleeping. That consistency leads to consistent elimination habits as well. It also goes along with consistent decision making as parents. Consistency = success.
The advantages of an early bedtime schedule are numerous:
1. Allows time for attention to your other children.
2. Enables your child to sustain a steady circadian rhythm. This is priceless as the child gets older and prepares to start school. Realistically, how can you expect a child who is put to sleep at 11 PM to suddenly wake up at 6 AM to get ready for day care or school? Can you do that and be at your best?
3. For working parents, the time after work is sacred and good planning can make that time valuable and not feel like more work.
Your thoughts?
I am amazed at the number of infants that I see out in public wide awake after 10 PM. The truth is that babies need schedules...consistent schedules for eating and sleeping. That consistency leads to consistent elimination habits as well. It also goes along with consistent decision making as parents. Consistency = success.
The advantages of an early bedtime schedule are numerous:
1. Allows time for attention to your other children.
2. Enables your child to sustain a steady circadian rhythm. This is priceless as the child gets older and prepares to start school. Realistically, how can you expect a child who is put to sleep at 11 PM to suddenly wake up at 6 AM to get ready for day care or school? Can you do that and be at your best?
3. For working parents, the time after work is sacred and good planning can make that time valuable and not feel like more work.
Your thoughts?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)